My Mother (Warning Sentimental Feelings Ahead)

I've mentioned my mama in the last few posts as a lead up to this one.  My mother is an excellent, intelligent, strong, woman.  I have been blessed with someone who stands behind me, holds me and lifts me up.  She has taught me how to stand on my own and be strong.  She let me find my own path even when she may not agree with it.

My mother put up with me when I was a little sheisskopfe when I was just starting my teens (which I am eternally grateful for) and helped me through the dark times that were the years of early adulthood.  She has let my fly unfettered and figure out life on my own even though she misses me in the nest.  She has loved me no matter what I have done or said.

Even though she is going to be farther away now (South America), I know that we will still have time to sit on the patio, talk and enjoy a glass or two of wine together (even if it just over the phone).  I will miss having you here but I know that we are never really far apart.

I love you mama.

Love, Like and Lust

My mother and I talked about love and life over a glass of wine last night as we were enjoying a beautiful Tucson sunset.  It is a common topic for us, we are constantly defining and redefining our beliefs on those topics.  I realized last night that when I thought of love I had been not giving myself enough credit.  To give this a little context my conversations about love with my mother also tend to deal with my single state (I like being single and she likes to tease me), I told my mother that I didn't think I was capable of love.  My mother called me on it (because that is what she does), she said "What about _____, you love her and what about ______ you love him right?"  I nodded slowly and realized that I have people that I Love and Love without reservation.  I was shocked that I thought so little of myself to believe that I wasn't loving people or that I wasn't capable of it.  My mother and I then went on to other topics and spent the evening laughing and loving each other.

Our language is so limited in what it means to love and we get so wrapped up in what we think love is supposed to be that we forget that we are living it.  We have mistreated the word love and made it less than it is.  Love is not like, love is not lust.  Love (not like or lust) is without reservations, it holds no grudges, it accepts and holds dear those faults and foibles that we are all capable of.  Love is strong, like and lust not so much.

Kelly (That's Me!)

What is in a name?  Are we defined by their meanings?

My name is Kelly, it is of Irish origin and can mean strife, war or bright headed.  I was actually supposed to be named Lindsay Marie, don't ask, I don't know what my mom was thinking (no offense to all the Lindsay Maries out there, I like the name Lindsay but it doesn't suit me at all).  Right after I was born, when they asked what I was to be named my mother said "Kelly Suzanne".  I believe it was fate (or kismet if you would like another K word thrown in) that my mother changed her mind.  Kelly definitely suits me better than Lindsay ever would have.

I know that strife and war are not particularly positive words and they definitely are not ones that one would want to describe their child with, but I like to look at the meanings in a different light.  Strife usually means discord or angry/violent struggle, but its archaic definition is striving and I am striving constantly.  I am striving to be the best me I can be.  War can mean so many things, but it basically boils down to conflict.  Conflict is what drives us, for good or for ill.

I have made my name my own, it is a part of me and I guess it was meant to be.

How do you feel about your own name?

Jester

The jester was a professional fool, trickster and prankster in medieval times.  It was a position of privilege in English and Polish courts.  In modern terms, we think of the jester as this joking, foolish, character.  In medieval times he had an important function.  The jester had licence and was expected to criticize and advise, to speak without giving offense, to mock and to give news.

This was important in a time when saying the wrong thing could either end in a political/social death or even literal death.  The jester, the licensed fool, could.  The jester's role was very complicated.  Often he was seen as a mere buffoon but as he had no official place or rank in the court he had to walk a fine line.  While the lack of court standing allowed the jester to be more free with their opinions but if they crossed the line they could be punished.  Often they could use jokes to chide the behavior of nobles and the monarch.

It is the nature of jesters to speak their minds, regardless of the consequences.  Maybe we need to invoke the jester in ourselves sometimes, sometimes we need to be the fool.

J is Just Going to Have to Wait

You'll get a double dose of alphabet rambly goodness tomorrow.  Sorry, I am just too distracted today.

Intuition

Intuition, I once read, is our subconscious ability to gather, sort, cut through the surface of reality and understand the world around us.  This has stuck with me over the years and each time I think of a decision I have made based on intuition, I think back to this definition.

Intuition is all of your accumulated knowledge and experience accessed by your subconscious, this information is always on hand and if you learn to listen to what your subconscious is saying it can be a valuable tool.  For me, intuition is something that subtly runs in the background, if I hear that little whisper in the back of my head I take a moment to listen.  It wasn't always so, I would ignore it or shove it back into my deepest subconscious.  I learned early on that that was not a good idea.  Every bad thing that has happened to me has been a product of me not listening, also that little whisper that I buried or shoved back would come screaming through in my dreams (not always a pleasant experience). Now, I listen to my intuition constantly, it is a part and parcel of my life experience (I'm not saying this is how everyone does it, it just works for me and you will have to find what works for you).

I have never been much of a traditional meditation-type, my hands have to be busy, but I have always been caught up in my head, even as a kid, so I usually use knitting or cooking or anything that keeps my hands busy, as time to listen.  I analyze my initial feelings about something, those initial feelings are my gut reaction to the situation at hand.  I ask myself questions like:

"Why was I so uncomfortable in that situation?  What bothered me about (Insert Name)?  Why did that house feel bad?"

And I wait for my deeper self to reply.  As I started doing this more often the easier the answers came, now it is automatic and kind of runs in the background of my conscious mind.  I learned to trust myself and my now-not-so-quiet whisper in my head.

So, the trick is to find that way that works for you to access your subconscious, start with traditional meditation and if you are like me and truly cannot stay still there is an excellent book out there called Meditation Secrets for Women by Camille Maurin and Lorin Roche, don't be mislead by the title, the exercises in there are useful for men too but it is not your traditional mediation book.

Learn to listen and trust yourself.

Hands-Helping, Harming and Everything Inbetween

I will admit it, I have a fascination with hands.  I believe a persons hands, sometimes even more than their eyes, tell a lot about who they are.  Hands are the tools that we use to shape our world.  They carry out the potential that is in our minds.

Because hands are our tools they are a way of accomplishing our needs and desires.  They have the potential to harm or help, to heal or hurt.  Our hands can help us achieve our dreams and help others achieve theirs.   Our hands can offer comfort and affection.  Or they can destroy, they can hit and lash out at others, they can take and not give.  What are you going to do with your hands today?

Take a day to watch people's hands.  What can you figure out about them that they may not seem.  Hands can tell a lot of secrets, they can tell of hobbies, of emotion, of physical state.  Hands come in a variety of shapes, is there an observable trend in how people with a certain hand shape behave?  What do you notice about a persons hands?

The first thing I tend to notice is movement.  I have often been surprised by what someone's hands are telling me as opposed to their voice.  I was talking with a friend, his voice was sounded happy and his eyes were bright, but the tension in his hands told otherwise.  He was angry.  After noticing his hands clench and whiten several times, I gathered up the courage to ask him what was wrong.  After a moment he told me that I had said something to hurt his feelings, I apologized and we moved on.  It was an enlightening experience.